I receive this question almost daily on my website MagneticFire: “I am a younger man but I have always preferred men 15-20 years older than I am. Even as I get older, the men I am attracted to, also get older. My gay friends don’t understand. Why am I attracted to older men?”
The exact reason we’re gay or attracted to specific types of gay men or women is not known, but we do know some things. Most complex psychological issues are best explained by looking at a combination of factors including genetics, our developmental history and our social and cultural experiences. Most of us who are gay believe we were born this way, and a genetic explanation may underlie some of this, but it is probably not a sufficient explanation for a predisposition to being gay or to whom we’re attracted.
Scientists tend to want precise explanations, and they often look exclusively to specific areas for clarification. In the area of being gay and partner choices the areas most commonly considered are: genes, parenting, culture, and stressful life events. But the strongest scientific evidence only comes through randomized controlled experiments. These are impossible to conduct in studying LGBTQ issues because much of our community is hidden, logistically and financially they are difficult, and such studies would also raise certain ethical concerns.
Sigmund Freud was the first two develop a significant theory about human behavior, and it was based on two assumptions: 1. Much of our mental life is unconscious, and 2. Past experience, particularly in childhood, shapes how we feel and behave throughout our life.
Freud theorized that the id is unconscious and serves as a melting pot of raw energies of sexuality and aggression. The ego, having both unconscious and conscious elements, is rational and reasonable; according to Freud it is responsible for maintaining contact with the external world, and mediates between and the id and the superego, the person’s conscience which is learned from parents, teachers and social environment. When these forces are in equilibrium, the result is mental health. When they are in conflict, it results in a sense of dissonance which may lead to anxiety and depression.
Freud’s theories were only a good beginning. Our understanding of psychology has been modified by behavioral psychology and learning theory. The study of the brain has in recent years moved in the direction of biology, and many believe, these theories are far too limiting to understand the complexities of human behavior.
Whether we’re considering health or disease, mental illness or personality traits, the explanations are typically found in looking at the interaction of multiple factors. Prevailing attitudes are to look at most things in biological terms, but a broader perspective is needed; biological explanations for LGBTQ insufficient. Although one factor may weigh heavily, or not at all, a combination of genetics, psychological development and social and cultural factors must all be considered. These things are all involved in its cause, how it manifests itself, its course over time, outcomes and finally, how it impacts the course of how well each of us adapts to the stress of being different.
The relative importance of any one factor varies from individual to individual.
A tendency toward extroversion is commonly thought to be inherited, for example, and this may help some to navigate the process of coming out more easily. Likewise, some many have inherited a greater capacity for empathy which could create a different pathway for development of sexual orientation and relationships.
Social factors will modify how these inherited traits are expressed and the outcomes achieved. They may determine whether each person experiences and early “out and proud” attitude or like me, staying in the closet well into the years of maturity.
The relative role of these factors varies with individuals and across the lifespan, so that there is no one universal model for the coming out process. It is more like a trajectory which each individual must develop for themselves. And development continues throughout the life cycle.
It is important to understand the difference between “correlations” and “causations.” For example, it has been reported that there is a correlation between curls of hair and homosexuality, but correlations obviously in this case does not determine the cause of it. Once a number of these correlations exist, then it becomes easier to begin to look for causation. It is my impression that intergenerational relationships (older/younger) relationships are more common in the homosexual community than in the heterosexual one, but this correlation has not been established. When several different correlations are recognized they can be linked and woven together, and some correlations will be found to carry more weight. Inferences and hypotheses can then be drawn eventually leading to some understanding of causation.
In gay relationships, including intergenerational ones, it is my belief that there is a biologic predisposition and that psychological/developmental experiences and the social environment impact the manner in which it is expressed. Many of the “reparative therapies and “ex-gay” ministries have focused on “the detached father and close-binding mother” and have developed their “treatment strategies” based exclusively on that one, far from universal, psychodynamic issue. Because they have taken this narrow, reductionistic focus, they are bound to fail, as has been demonstrated.
The science of human behavior must include common threads from multiple disciplines woven together into a colorful fabric.
Brief Bio: Dr. Loren A. Olson is a gay psychiatrist who practices in Iowa in the United States. He is legally married to his life partner of 23 years, and he and his husband raise Belted Galloway cattle on their farm. Previously married, he has children and grandchildren. He is writing about coming out in mid-life in his book, Finally Out: Unlocking the Closet in Mid-Life and Beyond, that is due out in late 2010.
Loren A. Olson
http://www.magneticfire.com/
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2010-02-16 16:54:06 |96.254.27.xxx| Jess - A NOTE OF GRATITUDE TO DR. OLSON
I thoroughly enjoyed this blog. I found it informative and helpful. I'm trying to salvage a relationship with a man 19 yrs my senior and with whom I am so deeply in love. How do I accept my discovery that he needs multiple partners and try to either salvage or abandon our relationship? When we first met, I saw the lights shoot from his eyes like diamonds and a great light shined from his face like a beacon. I knew he was "the one" from the start. Ours is "no ordinary love"; I cherish every moment of our lives together. It has been one of three integral elements to me: sharing, fun, and growth. He is my morning bird, that sings me to life everyday! I am tenaciously holding onto my profound love and I won't surrender him easily, though I am at the hinterland of my devotion...
I need further help from you Dr. Olson, please.
Jess in Venice, FL
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2010-07-19 01:15:19 |69.19.14.xxx| Ed Loftus - Hmmmm
This response could have been more succinctly put as "We just don't know". Freudian theory has no relevance here and the mention of reparative therapy is equally as irrelevant, it may point out the narrow focus of understanding, but lends nothing to a greater understanding of intergenerational gay relationships. This response needs rewriting to more honestly address the great lack of understanding of this phenomenon in the gay community. I would suggest a better way to address the unknown is "we really don't know why these type of relationships occur, but we do know that they are real and not the product of maladaptation. To a great degree, being gay is a lesson in acceptance of love that once learned yields wonderful gifts of happiness and spiritual fulfillment. Better to accept and embrace than to resist and make difficult feelings that are so intimate and primal as sexual attraction.
I've always been attracted to older men (though now that i'm in my late forties, i'm starting to catch up - lol). I've always thought it was because I was put off by the sexual urgency of younger guys. Older guys felt more sexy to me because the path to orgasm allowed for more conversation and sensuality.